So every once in a while things just seem to fall out from under you and it's hard to grasp on to anything. Boyfriend joins the National Guard, UGA professor goes on a killing spree, still have no idea what I'm doing with my life, CEOs are committing suicide, finals are next week, economy sucks hardcore. So here are some of my favorite quotes that are fun to ponder and help get me through:
"Find the joy in your life." - The Bucket List
"Even this shall pass away." - Leaves of Gold
"For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope." -Jeremiah 29:11
"When you remember who you are and whose you are you can stand against anything." -Dr.Shelnutt
Stick in there, yall.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
OMG that's so gay.
So here's a fun game. I thought my critical thinking class was decently liberal cause...well, it's a critical thinking class...and it's honors... but last Friday I learned my lesson. We were assigned to write a one-page opinion paper on any of the topics our professor listed for us. I automatically noticed one I'm pretty passionate about and wrote away. So here's what I wrote:
"Gay marriage should not be banned from the United States. Homosexuality is a completely normal phenomenon just as heterosexuality is. The history of homosexuality dates back far enough that it would be impossible to make an argument that it is “unnatural.” Homosexuality has been observed in over 1500 species of animals. Art of homosexuality in Africa dates back to 2400 BCE and men who were considered to have special powers were raised as homosexuals in early America. Homosexuality was also common in the Aztec, Maya, Quechas, Moches, Zapotec, and Tupinamba civilizations of Latin America before European conquest. If “natural” in defined as “found in nature” then the strong presence of homosexuality in history shows that it indeed is a natural aspect of human life.
While it is a decent rebuttal to state that human sacrifice and eating one’s own offspring were once also considered natural, it is only further proving the point that this is all up to society’s view of morality. Nursing and communicating are also natural aspects of human nature and protests claiming the “disgust” in those two things are hard to come by. It is safe to say that human sacrifice and eating offspring has drastically decreased if not disappeared from society since it has been christened unacceptable. Homosexuality, on the other hand, is not something we can wave our hand at and dispel. It is not going anywhere and we need to address it.
Marriage is defined by Webster as “a relationship in which two people have pledged themselves to each other in the manner of a husband and wife.” Two people of the same sex can easily pledge themselves to one another with the same confidence that two people of opposite sexes can. They can also play the roles of husband and wife. The fact that their love is homosexual and not heterosexual does not discredit it, just as allowing homosexuals to get married will not discredit the “sanctity” of heterosexual marriage. The 50% divorce rate takes care of that.
Believers in the Bible may argue that God was wrathful towards homosexuals. But tracing back to the basics of the Bible it says to love one another. Therefore wouldn’t the love between two homosexuals be more of a positive in God’s mind than the effort spent by some to hate these homosexuals? Also popular is the argument that all sins are equal in the eyes of God. Going by the Bible, not covering your head (1 Cor. 11:6), anxiety (Phil 4:6), eating meat (1 Sam 14:33), not hitting your child (Prov 13:24), braiding your hair or wearing gold jewelry (1 Peter 3:3), calling your biological father “Father” (Matt 23:9), hitting a man in the groin (Deut 25:11-12), joking around (Eph 5:4), and not being perfect (Matt 5:48) are also sins. Let he without sin be the first to cast a stone.
Now while the Ten Commandments may be the basis of our judicial system, they are the same ten commandments of Judaism and follow many of the same themes as written out in the Qu’ran, the basic teachings of Buddha, and Hindi texts. This country was founded by Christians but on the principle of religious freedom. Because of this, the Bible alone should not be any sort of reference when debating governmental issues. It has also been debated that homosexuals can have their own sort of union because marriage is a union under God performed in the church and it needs to stay between a woman and a man. Last time I checked, Atheists, Buddhists, Agnostics, and any other heterosexual who wanted a marriage can get one.
Depriving homosexual couples of the title of “married” also deprives them of the rights of marriage. This means that the couple would not be able to adopt as a couple, gain veterans’ benefits, gain wrongful death benefits for the surviving partner, open joint accounts, leases, or insurance policies, collect Social Security and Medicare together, be protected under the judicial system and a number of other lost benefits.
The short story is, if you’re heterosexual then consider yourself lucky for not having to face the criticism homosexuals still face today. Also, if you’re heterosexual…don’t get a gay marriage. Homosexual marriage wouldn’t bother anyone and it wouldn’t start a slippery slope ending in people marrying their parakeets. Let’s all jump down out of our ivory towers and remind ourselves that marriage isn’t something for the “elite” or those who have earned it. It’s a symbol of love and commitment. Let’s award it to those who are in love and committed."
TURNS OUT my class is ACTUALLY quite conservative and they had a field day telling me that the Bible says it's wrong and they're all sinners, etc. One of the other questions listed, however, was "Is there sufficient evidence to believe in God?" and one girl's opening sentence was literally "There is sufficient evidence to believe in God because the Bible says so." Yep, in a critical thinking class. Now I'm all about religion and spirituality. God and I are BFF. We hang out. But the ignorance and closed mindedness is what really gets me.
But enough about that.
After that little fiasco I decide to choose a topic that was a little further down on the list (she made us read them in the order the questions were typed out) so that I would possibly not have to be sacrificed to the Republican gods again. Quite naturally, the second we sat down in class the next day the professor said, "I'm really interested in [the topic I chose...of course]...who did that one?"
Brilliant.
"Gay marriage should not be banned from the United States. Homosexuality is a completely normal phenomenon just as heterosexuality is. The history of homosexuality dates back far enough that it would be impossible to make an argument that it is “unnatural.” Homosexuality has been observed in over 1500 species of animals. Art of homosexuality in Africa dates back to 2400 BCE and men who were considered to have special powers were raised as homosexuals in early America. Homosexuality was also common in the Aztec, Maya, Quechas, Moches, Zapotec, and Tupinamba civilizations of Latin America before European conquest. If “natural” in defined as “found in nature” then the strong presence of homosexuality in history shows that it indeed is a natural aspect of human life.
While it is a decent rebuttal to state that human sacrifice and eating one’s own offspring were once also considered natural, it is only further proving the point that this is all up to society’s view of morality. Nursing and communicating are also natural aspects of human nature and protests claiming the “disgust” in those two things are hard to come by. It is safe to say that human sacrifice and eating offspring has drastically decreased if not disappeared from society since it has been christened unacceptable. Homosexuality, on the other hand, is not something we can wave our hand at and dispel. It is not going anywhere and we need to address it.
Marriage is defined by Webster as “a relationship in which two people have pledged themselves to each other in the manner of a husband and wife.” Two people of the same sex can easily pledge themselves to one another with the same confidence that two people of opposite sexes can. They can also play the roles of husband and wife. The fact that their love is homosexual and not heterosexual does not discredit it, just as allowing homosexuals to get married will not discredit the “sanctity” of heterosexual marriage. The 50% divorce rate takes care of that.
Believers in the Bible may argue that God was wrathful towards homosexuals. But tracing back to the basics of the Bible it says to love one another. Therefore wouldn’t the love between two homosexuals be more of a positive in God’s mind than the effort spent by some to hate these homosexuals? Also popular is the argument that all sins are equal in the eyes of God. Going by the Bible, not covering your head (1 Cor. 11:6), anxiety (Phil 4:6), eating meat (1 Sam 14:33), not hitting your child (Prov 13:24), braiding your hair or wearing gold jewelry (1 Peter 3:3), calling your biological father “Father” (Matt 23:9), hitting a man in the groin (Deut 25:11-12), joking around (Eph 5:4), and not being perfect (Matt 5:48) are also sins. Let he without sin be the first to cast a stone.
Now while the Ten Commandments may be the basis of our judicial system, they are the same ten commandments of Judaism and follow many of the same themes as written out in the Qu’ran, the basic teachings of Buddha, and Hindi texts. This country was founded by Christians but on the principle of religious freedom. Because of this, the Bible alone should not be any sort of reference when debating governmental issues. It has also been debated that homosexuals can have their own sort of union because marriage is a union under God performed in the church and it needs to stay between a woman and a man. Last time I checked, Atheists, Buddhists, Agnostics, and any other heterosexual who wanted a marriage can get one.
Depriving homosexual couples of the title of “married” also deprives them of the rights of marriage. This means that the couple would not be able to adopt as a couple, gain veterans’ benefits, gain wrongful death benefits for the surviving partner, open joint accounts, leases, or insurance policies, collect Social Security and Medicare together, be protected under the judicial system and a number of other lost benefits.
The short story is, if you’re heterosexual then consider yourself lucky for not having to face the criticism homosexuals still face today. Also, if you’re heterosexual…don’t get a gay marriage. Homosexual marriage wouldn’t bother anyone and it wouldn’t start a slippery slope ending in people marrying their parakeets. Let’s all jump down out of our ivory towers and remind ourselves that marriage isn’t something for the “elite” or those who have earned it. It’s a symbol of love and commitment. Let’s award it to those who are in love and committed."
TURNS OUT my class is ACTUALLY quite conservative and they had a field day telling me that the Bible says it's wrong and they're all sinners, etc. One of the other questions listed, however, was "Is there sufficient evidence to believe in God?" and one girl's opening sentence was literally "There is sufficient evidence to believe in God because the Bible says so." Yep, in a critical thinking class. Now I'm all about religion and spirituality. God and I are BFF. We hang out. But the ignorance and closed mindedness is what really gets me.
But enough about that.
After that little fiasco I decide to choose a topic that was a little further down on the list (she made us read them in the order the questions were typed out) so that I would possibly not have to be sacrificed to the Republican gods again. Quite naturally, the second we sat down in class the next day the professor said, "I'm really interested in [the topic I chose...of course]...who did that one?"
Brilliant.
Pops and their Pooches
So my friend/classmate/brothelmate and I are sitting downstairs studying for our religion test when I notice her screensaver. It's a pleasant slideshow of her pictures. Then pops up a picture of her dad holding their small family dog. The two of them are dressed in identical sweaters very reminiscent of a Gryffindor quidditch match. I give her a quizzical look and her explanation is:
"I dressed my dog in this sweater one day and- no joke- my dad came down after his shower wearing the same one."
**That's almost painful.**
"I dressed my dog in this sweater one day and- no joke- my dad came down after his shower wearing the same one."
**That's almost painful.**
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Tree Hugger
Today is Earth Day.
So every brothel on Milledge Avenue wasted a queen sized sheet and some acrylic paint to hang a banner outside their house that tells us all that it's Earth Day.
So every brothel on Milledge Avenue wasted a queen sized sheet and some acrylic paint to hang a banner outside their house that tells us all that it's Earth Day.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Greatest Update Ever.
Bob is a follower of my blog.
Life=complete.
**Me and Bob. Kickin it badass-style at brothel Daddy Daughter Day**
Life=complete.
**Me and Bob. Kickin it badass-style at brothel Daddy Daughter Day**
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Get Jiggy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zlfKdbWwruY&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Flifeinthesecondhalf%2Eblogspot%2Ecom%2F&feature=player_embedded
Probably the coolest thing I've seen in a long time. If I could do this for the rest of my life I would be thrilled.
Probably the coolest thing I've seen in a long time. If I could do this for the rest of my life I would be thrilled.
Meet the Flinstones
I've found it. The greatest invention ever.
But before I reveal to you the GIE (greatest invention ever), let me tell you a little background info about my anatomy.
Alright don't get excited.
On second thought....DO.
Because today....we're talking about my feet. To know them is to love them.
I've long been made fun of my feet either because they're big and wide or because my toes are short and stubby. Now we're not talking just a little bit different here. When I was born Bob told my mom I only had 5 toes, 2 big ones and 8 halves (Yes, I know that actually equals 6 but it took him 5 years to get out of the University of Delaware, cut him some slack.) Don't worry though, my 2 big toes can hold their own. I think it's safe to say 4 little ones are the same size as 1 big one. You may think to youself, "No big thang, no one notices feet anyways." But friends, we are approaching the summer season and when my baby toe (I know they're all "baby" but I mean the one on the end) sticks out the side of strappy sandals...PEOPLE NOTICE. Buying shoes has been a lifelong struggle. Again...strappy shoes...won't work. The last little one is not only shaped like a triangle but has a complete mind of its own and absolutely MUST stick out between the straps. Also...peep toes....or "peep TOE" as I call them because only the gargantuous big one sticks its head out the tip of the shoe....won't work.
Even smaller than my toes? My toe nails. I painted them for a few years there until no one ever noticed if they were painted or not so now I just paint Big Papa (as I sometimes call him) and leave the babies to fend for themselves.
But alas... back to the GIE. When I went to Costa Rica I may or may not have accepted the rastafarian lifestyle (there ya go sisters, I accept it). And in turn, I quit painting my toe nails SLASH gave up on my feet all together. The calluses on my feet eventually got bad enough that I would find myself practically Velcro-ed to the blankets in my sleep. Sexy, I know. I decided that something had to be done!
So I shower the other day. Big day. When I come back to my brothel cell there are 3 sorostitutes just kinda hanging out. As I clothe myself I say on a whim, "Anyone have a foot shaver?" And with that an angel ascended from the heavens in the form of Mollie and said, "Yea, actually." The next half hour was a fit of joy as I used some sort of razor on a stick to remove all the nasty nasty off my less than glamorous feet. And then...I painted them pink. Yes, even the halves, so that at least for a few days my feet can live the painted, callus-free life they always dreamed of. So alas, my dear friends, go get yourselves a foot shaver. It has brought me glee beyond my wildest dreams. And I consider it a gift to society.
But before I reveal to you the GIE (greatest invention ever), let me tell you a little background info about my anatomy.
Alright don't get excited.
On second thought....DO.
Because today....we're talking about my feet. To know them is to love them.
I've long been made fun of my feet either because they're big and wide or because my toes are short and stubby. Now we're not talking just a little bit different here. When I was born Bob told my mom I only had 5 toes, 2 big ones and 8 halves (Yes, I know that actually equals 6 but it took him 5 years to get out of the University of Delaware, cut him some slack.) Don't worry though, my 2 big toes can hold their own. I think it's safe to say 4 little ones are the same size as 1 big one. You may think to youself, "No big thang, no one notices feet anyways." But friends, we are approaching the summer season and when my baby toe (I know they're all "baby" but I mean the one on the end) sticks out the side of strappy sandals...PEOPLE NOTICE. Buying shoes has been a lifelong struggle. Again...strappy shoes...won't work. The last little one is not only shaped like a triangle but has a complete mind of its own and absolutely MUST stick out between the straps. Also...peep toes....or "peep TOE" as I call them because only the gargantuous big one sticks its head out the tip of the shoe....won't work.
Even smaller than my toes? My toe nails. I painted them for a few years there until no one ever noticed if they were painted or not so now I just paint Big Papa (as I sometimes call him) and leave the babies to fend for themselves.
But alas... back to the GIE. When I went to Costa Rica I may or may not have accepted the rastafarian lifestyle (there ya go sisters, I accept it). And in turn, I quit painting my toe nails SLASH gave up on my feet all together. The calluses on my feet eventually got bad enough that I would find myself practically Velcro-ed to the blankets in my sleep. Sexy, I know. I decided that something had to be done!
So I shower the other day. Big day. When I come back to my brothel cell there are 3 sorostitutes just kinda hanging out. As I clothe myself I say on a whim, "Anyone have a foot shaver?" And with that an angel ascended from the heavens in the form of Mollie and said, "Yea, actually." The next half hour was a fit of joy as I used some sort of razor on a stick to remove all the nasty nasty off my less than glamorous feet. And then...I painted them pink. Yes, even the halves, so that at least for a few days my feet can live the painted, callus-free life they always dreamed of. So alas, my dear friends, go get yourselves a foot shaver. It has brought me glee beyond my wildest dreams. And I consider it a gift to society.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Sunday, April 12, 2009
An Eggcelent Holiday
Happy Easter to Christians and sinners alike! (Cause if you're not a Christian you're a sinner. Catch that?)
Had the joy of visiting the Fretta for the weekend to spend some quality time with the fam. Which of course...means a very eventful blog.
We had the typical family events like dying eggs, watching little children frolic through fields towards easter eggs, and attending church in bright colors and floral prints. We just, of course, put an Austin spin on everything.
Weekend started out with Ashley's wedding shower. Woop woop! Lisa bought her a luggage rack for her guest room. Hint much? We WILL be visiting. Lisa's boyfriend, Matt, visited this weekend so while we were at the wedding shower we had to set up a date with him and Bob so they wouldn't be bored while we were getting our girl on. TURNS OUT on Friday Matt and Bob found all sorts of fun boy dates to go on so the formal Saturday morning date wasn't really necessary. You wouldn't believe the fun things they did....brought the old washing machine to the recycling center...changed oil...took a couple trips to Pep Boys. Soulmates. So the formal date that was planned was to go see the Terracota soldiers exhibit at the High Museum. Halfway through the shower Matt sends Lisa a picture of him buddying up to a soldier. Then we peaced out of the shower and Lisa texted Matt that we were on our way home (implicitely to rescue him) and he said they were having a grand old time at the museum. They came home well after we did. Bob likes to play this fun game where he thinks his 6'2" 220lb frame might ever intimidate one of our boyfriends. Then he takes them on dates. Oh Bob, give it up. You're a marshmallow and you love our man friends.
So then we decide to dye eggs. Cause us Austins are artistic. In the pack of dye were blue, yellow, red, and green. Four colors...down. The problem: purple and orange. Orange was a little touch and go there for a second but it turned out alright (you're welcome, Hunter). Purple, on the other hand, was a light shade of brown. Some call it caramel...honey even...I call it baby shit. What a struggle.
**Fail egg.**
Ashley managed to make (aka ice) a bunny cake. It's supposed to have pink ears and a pink bow tie. Homegirl got a litttttle eager on the food coloring and dyed the coconut red. Hence...bowtie=red. Which means...easter bunny cake = UGA frat boy bunny cake. Just as delicious. So in order to get the red coconut back to pink she had to add milk to dilute it. Which then turned into wet gloppy pink coconut. So she stacked it on the bunny's ears about 1.5" high since it was all stuck together. And you can't waste coconut. Someone made the lovely comment that frat bunny had lots of earwax. Thanks for that. When I left the house this morning the center of the ears were all of the cake that was left.
Had the joy of visiting the Fretta for the weekend to spend some quality time with the fam. Which of course...means a very eventful blog.
We had the typical family events like dying eggs, watching little children frolic through fields towards easter eggs, and attending church in bright colors and floral prints. We just, of course, put an Austin spin on everything.
Weekend started out with Ashley's wedding shower. Woop woop! Lisa bought her a luggage rack for her guest room. Hint much? We WILL be visiting. Lisa's boyfriend, Matt, visited this weekend so while we were at the wedding shower we had to set up a date with him and Bob so they wouldn't be bored while we were getting our girl on. TURNS OUT on Friday Matt and Bob found all sorts of fun boy dates to go on so the formal Saturday morning date wasn't really necessary. You wouldn't believe the fun things they did....brought the old washing machine to the recycling center...changed oil...took a couple trips to Pep Boys. Soulmates. So the formal date that was planned was to go see the Terracota soldiers exhibit at the High Museum. Halfway through the shower Matt sends Lisa a picture of him buddying up to a soldier. Then we peaced out of the shower and Lisa texted Matt that we were on our way home (implicitely to rescue him) and he said they were having a grand old time at the museum. They came home well after we did. Bob likes to play this fun game where he thinks his 6'2" 220lb frame might ever intimidate one of our boyfriends. Then he takes them on dates. Oh Bob, give it up. You're a marshmallow and you love our man friends.
So then we decide to dye eggs. Cause us Austins are artistic. In the pack of dye were blue, yellow, red, and green. Four colors...down. The problem: purple and orange. Orange was a little touch and go there for a second but it turned out alright (you're welcome, Hunter). Purple, on the other hand, was a light shade of brown. Some call it caramel...honey even...I call it baby shit. What a struggle.
**Fail egg.**Ashley managed to make (aka ice) a bunny cake. It's supposed to have pink ears and a pink bow tie. Homegirl got a litttttle eager on the food coloring and dyed the coconut red. Hence...bowtie=red. Which means...easter bunny cake = UGA frat boy bunny cake. Just as delicious. So in order to get the red coconut back to pink she had to add milk to dilute it. Which then turned into wet gloppy pink coconut. So she stacked it on the bunny's ears about 1.5" high since it was all stuck together. And you can't waste coconut. Someone made the lovely comment that frat bunny had lots of earwax. Thanks for that. When I left the house this morning the center of the ears were all of the cake that was left.
**So frat.**
**Someone needs a bunny Q-tip.**This earwax frat bunny cake sister of mine was the same one that told me I couldn't wear red candy cane Christmas socks with my rainbows to Stein Mart. I don't see the problem. Christmas...Jesus was born. Easter...Jesus was reborn. Coorelation=totally there.
This is also the same sister that searched our old photo albums to prove to my mother that she was indeed forced to wear an Easter bonnet until she was 10. Now 10 might not seem that old but that's 3rd grade. Which meant that Ashley was at least 5'9". We all had to line up in front of the tree in my grandparents yard and pretend we were enjoying our puffy sleeved floral church dresses and bonnets. When my mom was a little girl a goat tried to eat the flowers off the top of her Easter bonnet and was nearly hung up by it's elastic strap. So she decided to inflict the same pain on her children by strapping on these God awful fake straw white bonnets to each of us Sunday morning. The elastic strap would roll back and forth again your skin and pull our all the little hairies around your temples and side of your face. Unfortunately for her...there were no goats around to entertain her. Now about the Ashley thing...I understand why she made her wear one for so long. It's not a secret she has a complete conehead. I'd be embarrassed too, Mom.
**Lighten up, Bob. At least you're bonnet-free.**Lisa and I gave up sweets this Lent so as of today we can eat them! Wooo! And lucky for us Mom stocked us with enough candy to send us into a diabetic coma. The usual items were found in our baskets this year... Cadbury cream eggs, peanut butter eggs, jelly beans, robins eggs, whoppers, peeps, chocolate bunnies, toothbrushes. ASSKKKIRRRT. Toothbrushes? Ah yes...mother equipped us with hygiene maintainers (as i like to call them). After the amount of love she gave us today (yes, I measure love in candy) I guess I can brush my teeth for her.
So that was a little glimpse into Easter at the Austins this year. Always a fun time to get the fam together. So yea...good work, Jesus, with that resurrection thing.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Flippity Flop
Is it just me or is it common sense to wear a sports bra (or any bra for that matter) to kickboxing class? Cause I would have thought it's common sense. Apparently not.
Up In Smoke
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30092491/
Thanks to Ashley dearest for sending me that link.
As some of yall may know, I have a wee bit of a problem with smokers. Mostly thanks to the wonderful allergy to it that I've lovingly carried around with me most of my life.
Now it would be ok with me if smokers sat isolated in a 3' x 3' room and smoked themselves to death without involving themselves in anyone else's lives. It's when they smoke around their kids or while they're pregnant that bothers me. Or how about when I leave class and directly outside any given building the National Smokers' Guild is gathered to welcome me? So not cool.
Now the problem that I mainly have with smokers is obviously the second hand effects. Which this article seems to have overlooked. But it IS good news that we're getting such a profit off the sin tax. Let's keep bumping it up, huh? People will either have to quit and spend their money on a cheaper hobby (knitting? finger painting? solving magic eyes?) or they'll just be giving a lot more money back to society. Which we will eventually turn around and give back to them in the form of a breathing machine and IV.
Also, it's somewhat of a true stereotype that lower class people have a higher tendency to use tobacco. These are also probably the people that can't pay for their medical care when they realize that smoking has some tiny harmful side effects and they find themselves in a hospital bed (paid by you, bee tee dubs).
So here's the deal. You're not gonna stop smoking. I'm not gonna stop whining about it. If you're looking for quicker ways to get cancer you could always smoke in a tanning bed while drinking diet coke and eating veggies covered in pesticides. See what your body gets sick of first. It'll be like Russian roulette. By yourself.
Thanks to Ashley dearest for sending me that link.
As some of yall may know, I have a wee bit of a problem with smokers. Mostly thanks to the wonderful allergy to it that I've lovingly carried around with me most of my life.
Now it would be ok with me if smokers sat isolated in a 3' x 3' room and smoked themselves to death without involving themselves in anyone else's lives. It's when they smoke around their kids or while they're pregnant that bothers me. Or how about when I leave class and directly outside any given building the National Smokers' Guild is gathered to welcome me? So not cool.
Now the problem that I mainly have with smokers is obviously the second hand effects. Which this article seems to have overlooked. But it IS good news that we're getting such a profit off the sin tax. Let's keep bumping it up, huh? People will either have to quit and spend their money on a cheaper hobby (knitting? finger painting? solving magic eyes?) or they'll just be giving a lot more money back to society. Which we will eventually turn around and give back to them in the form of a breathing machine and IV.
Also, it's somewhat of a true stereotype that lower class people have a higher tendency to use tobacco. These are also probably the people that can't pay for their medical care when they realize that smoking has some tiny harmful side effects and they find themselves in a hospital bed (paid by you, bee tee dubs).
So here's the deal. You're not gonna stop smoking. I'm not gonna stop whining about it. If you're looking for quicker ways to get cancer you could always smoke in a tanning bed while drinking diet coke and eating veggies covered in pesticides. See what your body gets sick of first. It'll be like Russian roulette. By yourself.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
In the spirit of the season...
Everyone has those April Fools jokes that sound really funny in your head but turn out to be awkward and sometimes downright evil. Naturally, in my demented mind, I've come up with plenty of them. So just to make sure no one feels left out, I thought of one for pretty much everyone in my life. That was a lie. But I tried to get most people covered. Here goes:
To my Grandma Jane: "I've decided to worship Satan."
To my Grandpa: "I think your books on our family's geneology were misplaced in the move."
To my Aunt Susie and cousins: "I just saw on the news that the Girl Scouts headquarters was burned down."
To my Aunt Judy: "Your doctor called and told me to tell you that you're allergic to animals."
To my mother (any of these would do):
"I'm pregnant (and don't know who the father is)."
"I'm dropping out of school to follow my lifelong dream of becoming a human cannonball."
"I eloped. Sorry for not telling you."
"I'm going to buy a motorcycle."
To Bob: "I'm NOT going to buy a motorcycle."
To Ashley: "Yellow is out this season."
To Hunter: "Orange is actually IN season!!!" ....that's not even funny.
To Ashley and Hunter: "The Bar has been pushed back to September."
To Lisa: "The government is reinstating prohibition."
To the brothel: "We're going to have 'This n' That' for every meal til we move out."
To Mallory: "The universe has fully rejected the Republican party. Never to be seen again."
To Jason: "Craigslist has been shut down."
To Katie Sturni: "The state messed up..they're gonna have to take back your license...again."
To Locher: "Your Mac crashed...again."
To AK: "I found your flash drive."
Sometimes being a wee bit cruel is actually really funny. BUT...since i'm SUCH a loving, caring individual...I manage to restrain myself. You're welcome.
Happy April Fools Day!
To my Grandma Jane: "I've decided to worship Satan."
To my Grandpa: "I think your books on our family's geneology were misplaced in the move."
To my Aunt Susie and cousins: "I just saw on the news that the Girl Scouts headquarters was burned down."
To my Aunt Judy: "Your doctor called and told me to tell you that you're allergic to animals."
To my mother (any of these would do):
"I'm pregnant (and don't know who the father is)."
"I'm dropping out of school to follow my lifelong dream of becoming a human cannonball."
"I eloped. Sorry for not telling you."
"I'm going to buy a motorcycle."
To Bob: "I'm NOT going to buy a motorcycle."
To Ashley: "Yellow is out this season."
To Hunter: "Orange is actually IN season!!!" ....that's not even funny.
To Ashley and Hunter: "The Bar has been pushed back to September."
To Lisa: "The government is reinstating prohibition."
To the brothel: "We're going to have 'This n' That' for every meal til we move out."
To Mallory: "The universe has fully rejected the Republican party. Never to be seen again."
To Jason: "Craigslist has been shut down."
To Katie Sturni: "The state messed up..they're gonna have to take back your license...again."
To Locher: "Your Mac crashed...again."
To AK: "I found your flash drive."
Sometimes being a wee bit cruel is actually really funny. BUT...since i'm SUCH a loving, caring individual...I manage to restrain myself. You're welcome.
Happy April Fools Day!
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