This blog was inspired by a number of things.
1. Mass holiday texts.
2. A million people getting married
3. A reconnection to Facebook after finals.
It has been brought to my attention recently that, after taking a step back from my southern sorority girl life, there are heavy trends in how said girls update their statuses on Facebook. These are a few of those trends, examples, and explanations of their affectiveness.
1. Anything ending in, "Um...what!?"
Example: "I just saw a guy WALKING through the drive-thru. Um...what?!"
Explanation: This describes your outrage in a slightly humorous way. You can talk about something small that happened in your day but twist it to make it sound like it was the most insane moment of your life. It also shows your disgust over something trivial that you would probably do on any other given day.
2. Something about how magnificently wonderful your brand new hubby is.
Example: "I am so thankful for my family, friends and the best husband in the world, John Smith, this Christmas!!! <3 :)"
(Disclaimer - if you don't tag him in your status on this one it means you don't love him. It needs to show up on his page too so that people know your love is real.)
Explanation: This reminds all of your thousand Facebook friend that you are married and excited about it - in case they forgot after you posted your engagement as a status, your relationship status change from in a relationship to engaged, a picture of the ring and the story of how he did it, all three albums of your engagement pictures, a countdown until your wedding day, your name change, your relationship status change from engaged to married, all sixteen of your wedding picture albums, and weekly pictures of flowers and notes that your new hubs leaves for you.
3. Anything on monumental days, no matter how non-monumental they are.
Example 1: "It's 11/11/11!"
Example 2: "Merry Xmas!"
Example 3 (referring back to #2): "Happy six week anniversary to my fantastic husband and best friend, John Smith! Can't wait to spend the rest of forever with you!"
Explanation: This either reminds people that you know what day it is, makes you feel like a good person for spreading well wishes, or once again reminds people that you are married.
4. Something about how lame your hometown is.
Example: "There is nothing to do in Johns Creek. Going to Forsyth to Steak 'N Shake. Hit me up."
Explanation: You are soooooo over your high school town and need to remind people that it was SO four years ago. Don't be surprised when your hometown is exactly as you left it after high school. But make sure to tell everyone that you're grown and mature and on your own now...except for the three weeks you come home to mooch of your parents over the holidays.
5. Mini-letters to non-human entities.
Example: "Dear snow, Did you really have to start falling right before my four hour drive home? Not cool. Sincerely, Stacy"
Explanation: You think you're being clever, but you're really showing signs of pen pal-inspired insanity.
6. Your daily/weekly/monthly goals.
Example: "This week I'm going to make myself go for a run if it kills me, and make sure I do my laundry before the weekend!"
Explanation: Your intention is to put your goals in writing so that (A) people can see how busy you are that you barely have time for menial tasks like laundry or (B) you will actually follow through with them since they're now public. You probably won't follow through and no one actually cares...like at all. So this one needs to stop.
7. Song lyric and/or movie quote.
Example 1: "'Santa! I know him!'"
Explanation 1: You love the movie Elf and, like every other day in December, it happens to be on TV. You think you may be somewhat tricking people because you didn't put what movie the quote is from, and wonder how many people will "like" your status...a sign that they get the secret joke. In fact, most of the time, the quote is extremely common and everyone gets it.
Example 2: "Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead."
Explanation 2: You have feelings, and Adele is the only one who understands.
8. Something...ANYTHING...about your religious beliefs.
Example 1: "God has blessed me with so many wonderful people in my life! I love all of you!"
Example 2: "Ezeiel 23:19 <3"
Example 3: "Happy birthday, Jesus! You are my Redeemer and Savior and Lord and such."
Explanation A: You love your religion times a billion and feel like everyone needs to hear about it because it makes you so happy and you're convinced it'll make others happy too.
Explanation B: You want people to believe you posted it because of Explanation A.
9. And subsequently something about your alcohol consumption.
Example (subtle): "Moving a little slow today."
Example (not-so-subtle): "Shit...where's my debit card? And where am I? Someone wanna pick me up?"
Explanation: You like to remind people that you're a lot of fun and like to have a good time. My lack of excessive alcohol consumption leaves me a bit baffled on this one, but my guess is that you're still enamored by your 19-year-old days of taboo inebriation or that you're still too drunk to realize that posting in the public domain about being blatto is a bad idea in general.
10. Tangible figures of time or effort.
Example 1: "12 pages down...3 to go! I WILL finish this paper tonight!"
Example 2: "About to start the 11 hour car ride home!" or "After 15 hours I finally landed in Japan!"
Explanation: Providing the facts and figures helps your fellow sorostitutes sympathize with and/or understand the extent to which you have to drive/write/fly/etc. It's challenging to express in words how hard your life can be sometimes, but numbers are a good way to provide detail.
Extra credit for any emoticons, exclamation marks, hearts, cutesy sign-offs, or inside jokes that 99.9% of your friends don't understand.
And in closing, after 42 minutes of writing, I'd like to say I love God (Mark 14:51-52), my (future) husband<3, shots of Mr. Boston (um...WHAT?!), but not Johns Creek cause it's sooooo lammmmeeeee. "Oh come let us adore Him!" MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!! XOXOXOXO
Love, Cindeer
