Sober and Orderly

I've thought about writing this post for a long time and now's the time. Because people love to ask why I don't drink. And there should be a URL that I can just point them to when this question arises.

This is an incessantly recurring situation in my life:
New friend/classmate/stranger/etc: "Want a drink?"
Me: "No thanks, I'm good."
NF/C/S/E: "Are you sure? We have beer, wine, margaritas..."
Me: "Oh, no thanks. I appreciate it but I'm fine." OR "Can I grab some water?"
NF/C/S/E: "Do you not drink?"
Me: "Not usually."
NF/C/S/E: "Really? Why?"
Me: "Just not really my jam."

Cause after 8 or so years of turning down drinks, that's the best one-sentence answer I've come up with that doesn't make the other person feel uncomfortable. Because, honestly, I don't give a rat's noogie if anyone else drinks themselves silly. As long as they don't bother me.

First off, I don't NOT drink. It's just very rare. For example, my drinking of 2012 consisted of bachelorette parties for my dear friends AK and Mallory. But I don't have some huge moral issue with drinking.

Let's look at some facts:

1. Alcohol is disgusting. It tastes horrible. All of it - liquor, wine, beer, etc. It's nasty. And to people who say it's an acquired taste, why would I want to acquire a taste for something that doesn't do a whole lot of good in the first place?

2. It costs money and calories to drink. I sometimes wonder how much money I didn't spend in college. Cause I can count the number of times I bought alcohol at a bar in college on one hand. And most of those times were due to happy hour $1 wells or $2 pitchers (shout out to Athens bar prices). Plus, I've never had a beer gut. Now, I've had a fat gut. But never a beer gut.

3. 'Snot good for you. At least getting drunk. You're literally poisoning your body to the point that it doesn't function correctly. That kinda weirds me out.

Now, while those things are fact, there are some other things around drinking that I just don't feel like dealing with. Like not being able to drive. While I'm not a huge fan of playing DD (I've put in my time and a half), I can always drive myself and I don't have to rely on anyone else. It's great. Also, if something happened and someone had to go to the hospital - I can drive! Plus, no money spent on cabs.

Alcohol and carbonated beverages are on my "do not consume list" for acid reflux, thanks to it's ability to make my stomach do Gabby Douglas-caliber routines.

And, bonus for not drinking, no hangovers! I wake up feeling fine in the morning. Annnnd...I remember my life! Never blacking out helps with not doing anything horribly stupid. I don't lose stuff, hook up with ugly men, get in fisticuffs, cry in public or show my lady goods to the public. I embarrass myself enough sober.

I write this now because if my thesis semester keeps going the way it has been, I will be driven to drink, and this will no longer be valid. So here's the story now, ask me again in 4 months.