Be my boyfriend? Check yes or no

Facebook made a bold move when they decided to include "relationship status" in the standard user's profile.

While the "relationship status" isn't usually as controversial as the "religious views" or "political views," it can be just as annoyingly underhanded and hard to keep track of.

I've boiled down the most common options when facing the relationship status question. Make sure to throw yourself completely into the part or else you'll confuse all of your somewhat friends. Here are the choices:

1.Nothing. You're mysterious. Or so you think. Either you don't feel like having the people who've stalked you since high school meddling in your beezwax or you don't know what you are. You might be hiding a somewhat controversial relationship or you may just be too cool for Facebook, in which case you say you have better things to do than update your profile. Which we all know is a lie. You check Facebook everyday and purposefully don't update things so people will believe that you really are too mature for Facebook. Give it up, it's a generational addiction and you aren't foolin' anybody.

2. "Single." Make sure to put up statuses about how much you love your "girlies" and how you can't wait to sip merlot Thursday night at the Winery. You might be desperate, or you might just be proud that you're a strong woman who doesn't need a man. You go, girl.

3. "Married" or "Engaged" to your BFF. You've probably had this up for years and refuse to take it down because you're stubborn and/or still think it's cute to joke about being lesbian lovers. It's sort of like Number 1 but you get the satisfaction of confusing people for a split second.

4. On again, off again. Now this is why the News Feed was invented. Because every time the two of you break up or get back together, I get to read about it on my homepage. And then I get to breathe a sigh of relief that I'm not you. Now I'm sure the two of you love each other very much and just can't stand to be apart, but how you share it with the cyber world is borderline embarrassing. You should read about Number 1. Or even resort to Number 3. Cause Number 4 shouldn't be an option. Unless you do it for your stalkers' enjoyment. In that case, I'm enjoying it and by all means, continue.

5. "It's Complicated." Not to be confused with Number 4. If you are a Number 4, your relationship is probably complicated, but it takes a certain breed to admit that you have no idea where you stand in terms of significant other. The Number 5 has thrown his or her hands in the air and just plain given up. Your crazy somewhat-significant has said something like, "I don't want to ruin our great friendship," or "I just think we don't need a label right now." At which point you should say back, "You're crazy. Make up your damn mind." But usually you're too much of a limp noodle to say that.

6. The "I have a new boyfriend and I LOVE HIM!!!" Not only do you put that you're "In a relationship" the day you decide to call if official, but you sit together at his laptop and change your relationship statuses and profile pictures simultaneously. You giggle about how perfect you are for each other and update your status with how excited you are about your date this weekend or how PERRRRRRFECT your new man is. He then "likes" your status and comments something nauseating like "I love you so much baby" for all the world to see. Congrats, newly coupled, but get a room.

7. The "We're super proud of how long we've been together" couple. You do things like use Picnik to edit lovey-dovey pictures of the two of you kissing, usually in sepia with high contrast. Your status updates everyone on how many years/months/days you've been together and how wonderful it is to have someone to bring you chicken noodle soup and watch the Notebook with you when you're sick. If you're a guy, you probably haven't gotten any in way too long and your girlfriend makes you put up a picture of the two of you as your default. Facebook has now made the Number 7s happier by making it possible to put up your anniversary under your relationship status. Joy.


Now what if things just don't work out and the relationship ends? Have no fear. There are more options.

The somewhat sane people out there are...
1. Just sad. You wait a few days and then take down the relationship status anyway. Unfortunately, Facebook still tells everyone that you are "no longer listed as in a relationship with" him. You let word spread about the breakup and pretend to ignore the wall posts saying, "What happened?" or "????" That's just unfortunate.

More fun, though, are those of you who are...
2. Bitter. You change your relationship status to "single" that night and continue to update your status with quotes from Christina Aguilera songs about being better than him anyway.

3. Not to be confused with the "I'm already over you." For the few weeks after the breakup you make sure to take pictures with ALL of your guy friends, possibly in compromising positions or kissing them on the cheek. All of these pictures are put up under an album named something like "Best Summer of my Life!!!" or "FREEDOM" which you know your ex will look through. Mainly because you stalk him like a pack of dogs on a three-legged cat.

For both 2 and 3, you now have free time to kill that was previously spent with your significant other. You have time, energy and reason to become a Facebook queen and you let the world know that you are having like SOOOO MUCH FUNNN being single!!!

A defense mechanism? Maybe. But I bet it feels so good.